The Brag of the SubGenius is the greatest brag ever written. Here it is, verbatim:
A fragment. Transcribed from a cassette tape recording made at a seance in 1973.
"I PICK THE GOD DAMN terror of the fucking gods out of my nose! Pardon my language. But YEEEEEHAW, let the sons of God and man bear witness! Even in the belly of the Thunderbird I've been casting out the False Prohets; I'm busting a gut and blowing my O-ring, and ripe to throw a loaf! For I speak only the fucking Truth, and never in my days have I spoken other than! For my every utterance is a lie, including this very one you hear! I say, `Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!' By God, `Anything for a laugh', I say. I am the last remaining Homo Correctus, I am the god damn Man of the Future! I'll drive a mile so as not to walk a foot; I am a human being of the first god damn water! Yes, I'm the javalina humping junkie that jumped the Men from Mars! I drank the Devil under seven tables, I am too intense to die, I'm insured for acts o' God and Satan! I was shanghaied by bodiless fiends and alien jews from a corporate galaxy, and got away with their hubcaps! I cannot be tracked on radar! I wear nothing uniform, I wear no god damn uniform! Yes baby, I'm 23 feet tall and have 13 rows o' teats; I was suckled by a triceratops, I gave the Anti-Virgin a high-protien tonsil wash! I'm a bacteriological weapon, I armed and loaded! I'm a fission reactor, I fart plutonium, power plants are fueled by the sweat from my brow; when they plug me in, the lights go out in Hong Kong! I weigh 666 pounds in zero gravity, come and get me! I've sired retarded space bastards across the Cosmos, I cook and eat my dead; YAH-HOOOO, I'm the Unshaven Thorn Tree of the Atlantis Zoo! I pay no taxes! The Devil's hands are my ideal playground! I hold the Seven-Bladed Windbreaker; the wheels that turn are behind me; I think backwards! I do it for fun! My imagination is a fucking cancer and I'll pork it before it porks me! The say a godzillion is the highest number there is. Well by God! I count to a godzillion and one! Yes, I'm the purple flower of Hell County, give me wide berth; when I drop my drawers, Mother Nature swoons! I use a python for a prophylactic; I'm thicker, harder and meaner than the Alaskan Pipeline, and carry more spew! I'll freeze your seed before it hits the bathroom tile! YEE! YEEE! I kidnapped the future and ransomed it for the past, I made Time wait up for me to bleed my lizard! My infernal breath wilts the Tree of Life, I left my spoor on the Rock of Ages, who'll tear flesh with me, who'll spill their juice? Who'll gouge with me, whose candle will I fart out? Whoop! I'm ready! So step aside, all you butt-lipped, neurotic, insecure bespectacled slabs o' wimp meat! I'm a Crime Fighting Master Criminal, I am Not Insane! I'm a screamer and a laugher, I make a spectacle of myself, I am a sight! My physical type cannot be classified by science, my `familiar' is a pterodactyl, I feed it dipshits! I communicate without wires or strings! I am a Thuggee, I am feared in the Tongs, I have the Evil Eye, I carry the Mojo Bag; I swam the Bermuda Triangle and didn't get wet! I circumcize dinosaurs with my teeth and make 'em leave a tip; I change tires with my tongue and my tool! Every night I hock up a lunger and extinguish the Sun! I'm the bigfooted devil of Level 14, who'll try to blow me down? I've packed the brownies of the gods, I leak the Plague from my nether parts, opiates are the mass of my religion, I take drugs! Yes, I'm a rip-snorter, I cram coca leaves right into my arm-veins before they're picked off the tree! Space monsters cringe at my tread! I wipe the Pyramides off my shoes before I enter my house. I'm fuel-injected, I'll live forever and remember it afterwords! I'm immune! I'm radioactive! Come on and give me cancer, I'll spit up the tumor and butter my bread with the juice! I'm supernatural, I bend crowbars with my meat ax and a thought! My droppings bore through the earth and erupt volcanoes in China! Yes, I can drink more wine and stay soberer than all the heathen Hindoos in Asia! YEEE HAW! Gut Blowout! I am a Moray Eel, I am a Komodo Dragon, I am the Killer Whale bereft of its pup! I have a triple backbone, I was sired by the Wolf Man, give me all your Slack! I told Jesus I wouldn't go to church and He shook my hand! I have my own personal saviors, I change 'em every hour, I don't give a fuck if there's life after death, I want to know if there's even any fucking Slack after death! I am a god damn visionary, I see the future and the past in comic books and wine bottles; I eat black holes for breakfast! I bend my genes and whittle my DNA with the sheer force of my mighty will! I steer my own god damn evolution! I ran 'em out of Heaven and sold it to Hell for a profit! I'm enlightened, I achieved `Nirvana' and took it home with me. Yip, yip, YEEEEEEE! I'm so ugly the Speed of Light can't slow me down and Gravity won't tug at my cuffs! When the Rapture comes, I'll make 'em wait! They'll never clean my cage! Now give me some more of..."
(Tape runs out.)
The Brag of the Female SubGenius
[Excerpted from THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL, No. 41 & 42, Vol. 17, 1989.]
BRAG OF THE FEMALE SUBGENIUS
by Magistra Batrix/Magus Coyote
("...Discovered graven with a rock-bore laser into the floors of Mohenjo-Daro, under three feet of fossilized kitchen-midden, in Linear-B script.")
(Channeled in a sexy contralto, with interjected purrs, moans, sighs, etc.)
"I'M THE INFRA-RED WOMAN! I've got the Beast of the Abyss between MY legs! I'm tighter than a CONSTIPATED SCOTSMAN in a PAY-TOILET! I've got muscles in my snatch that haven't even been EVOLVED yet! I make the Virgin Mary look like the Grand Canyon! You can run DEEP, but with ME you CAN'T run silent! I'll make you HOWL SO LOUD, they'll be GREEN-EYED on the MOON! The New Age was INVENTED just for me - I WORE THE OLD ONE OUT! I put the MAGICK in Sex-Magick! I SHOCKED ALEISTER CROWLEY and made the LAST TEN POPES give up their vows! Who do you think SAPPHO wrote all those POEMS to? I'm SO GOOOOOD, I made the Great Stone Face come THREE TIMES - and he doesn't even EXIST from the neck down! I make Linda Lovelace look like a STORE-WINDOW DUMMY with LOCKJAW! Come on and GIVE me AIDS, baby - I'll recombine it with my OWN* E. COLI peptides and turn it into VENEREAL MESCALINE! I sweat nectar and menstruate ambrosia, I pee milk and honey, and I shit Cakes of Light! When I take off MY clothes, fist-fights break out all over Mount Olympus! I've got more swing in my hips than the San Francisco Earthquake! I'm BITCHY! I'm shrill and I'm NASTY! I'm a REAL shrew! Mad rapists run screaming for help to the RAPE CRISIS CENTER when they see ME coming! I gave the Anti"Bob" back his OWN VD and turned him into a RADICAL FEMINIST! When I'M in heat, they come for MILES around for a try at me - dogs, cats, wolves, bears, randy goats, 12-point bucks, pterodactyls, and swallow-tail butterflies right alongside the men! I DO IT WITH BASILISKS! FRODO beat the shit out of DOPEY, SNEEZY AND DOC just so HE could get into my flower garden! They'll never stick THUS cunt in a kitchen - unless that's where it WANTS to be! I NEVER pay taxes - the government pays *ME* to WEAR OUT THE WORK FORCE! I don't charge MONEY for it, honey - I charge SLACK! When they call ME a BITCH, I just *BARK RIGHT BACK* at 'em! I CREATED Time Control, darlin' - if you've got FIVE MINUTES, I'll give you an AEON of SHEER ECSTASY! Nuclear power plants hide in SHAME when I go by! *MY* snatch glows in BROAD DAYLIGHT! I'M the reason Cuban Supermen were INVENTED! I made the Premier of the USSR sing "Alright By Me in America" and MEAN it! I fucked the Devil into Heaven, and Saint Peter into Hell! I took on the Flaming Sword of the Archangel Michael, and PUT IT OUT! THE FIGHTIN' JESUS GAVE UP FIGHTING to have one more go with ME! The Blob got hard as a rock, thick as a brick, and stiff as steel at the mere SIGHT of MY sweet thang! You heard the *XISTS* are coming? WELL I'M* THE REASON, DARLIN'! I'm a FUSION REACTOR, baby - LET'S FUSE! I'm so hot, I fart pure ambergris and I PISS CHAMPAGNE! HAL 9000 BLEW HIS FUSES over ME! I made the BAD "BOB" say PLEASE AND THANK YOU! I made an HONEST MAN of RICHARD NIXON and then put HORNS on him with HENRY KISSINGER! I'M the reason ELVIS is GOD! And who do you think pulls HOWDY-DOODY'S strings, hmmm? I put put the STARCH in Priapus's PECKER! Elijah Muhummad FOUND DOBBS and started a Clench in Cincinatti, after one night with ME! I blow the tops out of THERMOMETERS! I make TAXI-METERS run BACKWARDS! You've heard of Black Holes? Well, come on up and see me sometime, sweetheart, and I'll show YOU a Naked Singularity! I put the "collapse" in collapsars! I GIVE GREEN STAMPS! I don't SHAVE under my arms - I MOW...when I don't BRAID!* I left my NECTAR on the WASHINGTON MONUMENT and DOUCHED with the MISSISSIPPI RIVER! I don't catch CRABS - I catch MOUNTAIN LIONS! So STEP ASIDE, all you slab-sided, prune-faced, whey-fleshed, dishrag-cunnied, androphobic, GYNOphobic, SARCEphobic, BIOphobic, paint-covered, latex-armored, beehive-hairdo'ed, pinch-browed, antiseptic, chemical-stenched, stilt-heeled, pucker-butted GUNNYSACKS OF WEASEL-JERKY! I can out-think, outwit, out-joke, and out-FUCK any FIFTY* men...and ANY 500 PINKS! I fold, staple, spindle, and mutilate whole BUREAUCRACIES! I don't just holler and yell - I BREAK WINDOWS and SHATTER CHANDELIERS TWENTY COUNTIES UPWIND when I start feeling good! I make a FOOL of myself with STYLE! I SET TRENDS! I have SENATORS for familiars! The American Academy for the Advancement of Science made telepathy ILLEGAL and and declared PSYCHOKINESIS a MORTAL SIN, thanks to me! I put the "Mo" in "Mojo" - and then TOOK IT OUT again! When I pass by, geldings turn back into stallions and STEERS go after LOCOMOTIVES! I INVENTED SIN, honey! I'M the reason that being BAD feels SOOOO GOOOOOD... When the Incredible Hulk butt-fucked ME, I pyroflatulated him into the NEXT COUNTY! I'm quadruple-jointed! I make octopi look ARTHRITIC! REAL MEN PAY to CATCH VD from ME! I don't get zits; I break out in BON-BONS and ECLAIRS! I leak ELIXIR VITAL by the GALLON! You heard that Hitler had only one ball? GUESS WHY. Bend all the spoons you WANT, honey; I straightened URI GELLER'S tool with MY unaided ESP, and stroked off the DALAI LAMA with ONE IDLE THOUGHT! When I bat my eyelashes, MONKS pew away their LAST CHANCES AT HEAVEN! Nuns AND junkies give up their HABITS for me! I drove the WHORE OF BABYLON out of business! Astarte invented aphrodisiacs just to KEEP UP with me! I am a mink in heat, I am a Tyrannosaurus Regina on the MAKE, I make JAWS look like a Small-Mouthed Bass! A Black Hole is a CONVEX compared to me, and once you TRY me, you'll think the Big Bang is nothing but a WET FIRECRACKER! I BEND in places where MOST women don't even HAVE places! I am a walking, talking, strutting, balling VOLCANO! I PRE-EMPTED Our Lady of Fatima! UFOSs fight to see which one gets to have a Close Encounter with ME! Prophets give up their VISIONS for just one LOOK at me! *JOHN THE BAPTIST* came back to life to give ME some of his head! I CREATED DNA! Where do you think Calvin Klein got his genes? You think YOU'RE Illuminated? I make thermonuclear blasts look like the INSIDE OF A DARKROOM! The Buddha TRADED IN NIRVANA for me! The TREE OF LIFE! is watered with MY nectar! I eat the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil for a BETWEEN-MEALS SNACK! They had to invent a WHOLE NEW SIGN in the ZODIAC just for me: CLITTIS, THE PORNOGRAM! You wouldn't BELIEVE the aspects to MY Nodes, darlin' - my chart's got ALL the Angles! HEISENBERG came up with the UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE after he met ME! They had to invent NON-EUCLIDIAN GEOMETRY just to describe MY curves! Where do you think the camel got his *HUMP?* I'M the reason for the billy-goat's Horn! I'M THE ONE WHO FUCKS 'EM WHEN THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE - and makes 'em SMILE AGAIN! I'm SO weird, the Discordians join the REPUBLICAN PARTY in SHEER SELF-DEFENSE! I put the "Libertine" into "Libertarian"! I make ELVIS look DULL! I'm the reason the Second Coming is TAKING SO LONG Jesus hasn't recuperated from his FIRST one with me yet! I'm the Queen of Heaven, the Dark Lady of Space, the Lovely Black Star of the Sea! I'm on cave walls, in the Temple of Karnak, on the walls of Pompei and the CATHEDRAL OF NOTRE DAME! I'M IN THE PRE-SCRIPTURES! JEHOVAH-1 burns INCENSE to ME! I'm..."
[floor runs out]