Constance Marsh "Connie" Dobbs, popularly known as "Connie" Dobbs, is the first and primary wife of polygamist and Church of the SubGenius founder J. R. "Bob" Dobbs. Many SubGenii, especially females, claim she is the "REAL leader" of the Church of the SubGenius. She has been an actress (primarily known for her work in childrens' programs), model, homemaker, and is the founder of Home for Slackless Children.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Constance Marsh was born 4 July 1922 in Dallas, Texas. She was born with a rare condition called digito alitionem that was discretely treated with a digital extraction by the attending physician. However, the condition has continued to recur throughout her life.
She did exceptionally well in school, and was writing fluently when she was six years old. An analysis of her school work at the time indicate that, while in 1st grade, she was writing at a 4th grade level. After moving from Texas to the east coast, she was allowed to skip 2nd grade and went directly to 3rd.
According to The Secret Diary of Connie Dobbs, for Christmas of 1928 her schoolmate Bobby Dobbs gave her a diary. In her first diary entry of 26 December 1928, she claimed Bobby cheated by copying her papers; this may have contributed to his alleged functional illiteracy even as an adult. While she wrote that she did not give him a present, she let him touch her Cootchie, which was apparently the name of her pussy cat. Connie's family moved to the east coast while Bobby's family stayed in Texas, so they did not see each other until they met again at college.
Before she was old enough to babysit, she made money doing modeling for children's clothing.
On her 10th birthday, she wrote that the other girls were jealous of the attention boys paid to her. Her best friend was the "negress" girl Juicy Johnson, who would later become Juicy Retardo. Juicy's mother was a cook for the Marsh's. The two girls enjoyed dancing "hootchie-coochie" for the boys.
She was kicked out of her junior prom when age 15 (school officials believed she was 16). The dean of girls said she wore a "too adult" dress and that it was "inappropriate" for her to attend with three dates. She and her three dates then went inappropriately to the beach.
Presidential meeting[edit | edit source]
According to her diary, she had a momentous meeting at 12 September 1939. She wrote that she and some girlfriends were at a local lake, skinnydipping. They saw some fancy cars, and she ended up meeting and getting chased in the water by the swimming U.S. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt. She reported that he grabbed her while she was naked. This necessitated the president having to see a doctor because of penile over excitement.
However, while President Roosevelt's log of the day does indicate he went swimming, it gives a different location. According to his log, from 4:45 p.m. – 6:45 p.m., "Mr. and Mrs. Littleton C. F. Hambley, Miss Hambley, and Margaret Suckley to swim and tea - South Portico" which is a part of the White House. However, his log may hint at a coverup as it has a contradiction in time. It also says he went "from pool to parties" from 5:30 p.m. to 6:45 p.m. The White House pool was built largely for Roosevelt who suffered from poliomyelitis, and was located inside the west gallery between the White House and the West Wing.
It appears that either Connie wrote that she and her friends visited a local lake to cover up the fact they snuck into the indoor White House swimming pool, or that Roosevelt's log was erected to cover up the event. In any case, Roosevelt's account does agree with Connie's in that it says after dinner he went "To Doctor's office."
Actress and Model[edit | edit source]
Most of Connie's modeling was as an artist's model. As a girl, Connie had her first chance working as an artist's model for Skintees which manufactured children's and women's undergarments. In the 1950s she did some live modeling for Sears & Roebuck catalogs. She posed for artists for novel covers including the cover for Joan Ellis' novel Girls Dormitory which the New Yeti Times called "the greatest book cover of 1963." She also enjoyed a stint modeling for well-known pinup artists including Arthur Saron Sarnoff and Gil Elvgren.
She became an actress in childrens' television programs while "Bob" was a budding filmmaker. As an actress, Connie is perhaps best known for her barefaced clown character Connie Cream Pie on The Big Willy Show. Her most famous routine was asking a dupe, usually a man, "Say, Mister, would you like to taste my delicious cream pie?" When the dupe said, "Sure," she'd hit him in the face with a homemade cream pie.
"Connie" and "Bob"[edit | edit source]
See Dobbs family
Constance "Connie" Marsh had been dating Philo Ulysses Drummond while both were college students. At a fraternity party, Philo introduced his girlfriend to his childhood friend and, unknowingly, Connie's childhood friend J.R. "Bob" Dobbs. She immediately hooked up with "Bob," which Drummond said "shattered" him. She then immediately hooked up with one of her her college professors. But "Bob" and "Connie" later moved to separate colleges.
After "Bob" served in the U.S Army where he infiltrated the Nazis, he re-met his former girlfriend. "Connie" and "Bob" were married in Las Vegas in 1955. They had a number of children, although the couple worked to keep them out of the public eye for their protection. They were later identified as Barbara "Garbs", Bubba, Bobby Jr. (their first child born in wedlock), Adam Kadmon, Shem and Shaun.
After marrying "Bob", she was the primary force behind the founding of the Home for Slackless Children. The first home was begun in Topeka, Kansas, in 1956. While several homes have been built in various locations, perhaps the best known is in Dobbstown, Malaysia. One of Connie's helpers, Sister Hooter, went on to co-found Shamlicht Kids Club to bring slack to non-orphans.
Most female SubGenii follow "Connie" instead of "Bob". Their slogans include "Put that in your pipe and smoke it," "I take off the pants in the family," and "Fuck 'Bob'! Praise 'Connie'!"
Miracles and Sainthood[edit | edit source]
Supramaculate Conception[edit | edit source]
Connie has been credited with miraculous abilities, even from her beginning by Supramaculate Conception. (The Supramaculate Conception, according to the teaching of the Unified Catholic Church of the SubGenius, was the conception of the Blessed Anti-Virgin "Connie" in her mother's womb free from virginity. This was by virtue of her foreseen marriage as the first wife of "Bob".) Connie is thus the only women born not a virgin, with the possible exception of Eris Discordia who was born pregnant. Miraculously, when Connie was born her father and mother, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh, were also not virgins.
Mighty morphing[edit | edit source]
Like Zeus, Connie has the ability to change her apparent form, especially during seductions. According to Rev. E.W. Modemac:
- She has appeared in many forms, but none of those images is the True Connie. She morphs constantly, and you never know if that striking 16-year-old goth chick you're trying to score with at your local rave may in fact be the Sultry Siren of Slack, come to pull one over on you. Or she may actually be Mrs. Cleaver, the ever-smiling, ironing and washing Mom from the 50s who secretly drugged her husband to sleep every night and went out to party with those awful biker gangs. Or...maybe Connie was there at X-Day, and we ALL met her at one moment or another? Maybe as we were walking down the dark paths of the Brushwood campground at night, arms around each other, whispering meaningful things."
Healing and restoration[edit | edit source]
She also possesses healing and restoration powers. Some believe that "Bob" has returned from death because of "Connie"'s powers of restoration.
She also restored "Bob"'s favorite pipe. After it was shot in two during his assassination in 1984, she restored his pipe to intact erect state by stimulating its regrowth inside her vagina. Because of this miracle, the Mythics of Harmonia declared "The Cunny of 'Connie' Dobbs" a holy relic.
Sainthood[edit | edit source]
Connie" was declared a Discordian saint by the Mythics of Harmonia on July 4, 2015. She qualified by performing the required "2.3 miraculous or wondrous or smagmoidally weird acts of an ek-sen-trik discordian nature, whether before or during or after death" (Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht, "FAQs About Saints.") She was also recognized as a saint by being considered a "Divinely Revered Object of Obscene Lust."
Order of the Pineapple[edit | edit source]
On 18 January 2017, she was named along with Miley Ray Cyrus to the Order of the Pineapple. The order, also called a disorder, honors those who have given extraordinary service to “the participatorial study of comedic attitudes and eccentric tendencies.”
"Connie", I Love You[edit | edit source]
The song "'Connie', I love you" included a music video shown below.
Dr. Hal[edit | edit source]
"Connie" Dobbs made a rare appearance on the Ask Dr. Hal! show on March 30, 2012. She was glamorous as always, showing off her pipe collection, recounting memories of "Bob", and showing off her work in Hollywood.