Dr. Sinister Craven preparing a body for burial
Dr. Sinister Craven (aka Chao tse-Tung, Chao Zedong, "Freak" Ng) is a vampirologist and professor emeritus of Miskatonic University. He may be the current keeper of Binky the WonderSkull, the cranium of a PreChurch Prophet of "Bob".
Early life[]
Nothing is known of his early life. Except it's believed he was born. Somehow.
Miskatonic University[]
Dr. Craven attended Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachusetts at the same time as Church of the SubGenius revivalist Dr. Philo Drummond was earning his doctorate degree. Even though they were both students there, the two did not study together. "I didn't know him - I think he was a grade ahead of me. I liked his work, though," said Drummond.
Craven graduated mortis cum laude with a Doctorate of Vampirology degree in 1976. He became a lecturer there, and later a full professor. While a professor, he and Toyalla, a charter member of the Church of the SubGenius, published an Esperanto translation of a book written in a mixture of languages that was long believed untranslatable. This was Der Librum de Vampyric Histroika. The title in Esperanto became La libro de la historio de la vampiro. Unknown to the publisher, in the translation the two inserted veiled references to the Second Coming of the "Bob." This predicted the Church revival in 1979-1980.
Terrorists for Truth[]
He was one of the founders of Terrorists for Truth. This is or was an independent group that promotes Operation Mindfuck, jakes, Guerilla Theatre, and Poetic Terrorism. It began in California in the late 1970s or early 1980s.
Marriage[]
While working as a guest professor at Mt. Santa Juanita College in California, he met a girl named Bonnie who modeled nude for art classes. She was a widow with three children, the eldest living with his grandparents in Texas. They married, then soon began dating.
Vampiricum Miskatonicum[]
Dr. Craven formed an organization called Vampiricum Miskatonicum. While associated with Miskatonic University, it had no official affiliation with that institution. Membership included vampirologists, vampiracologists, and, allegedly, vampires.
Dihydrogen Monoxide[]
Under the name Chao tse-Tung (later Chao Zedong), Dr. Craven started the H20 scam with Alien. This talked about the dangers of "Dihydrogen Monoxide." It was inspired by a Saturday Night Live skit with Al Franken. This was then picked up by one of Alien's junior high school students named Nathan Zohner who made it famous.
Necromonicon[]
Believing the signs were right, on 21 December 2012, the day the Mayan Calendar ended, he read the entire Necronomicon. He went mad. He started fearing people wanted to kill him, then began asking people to kill him.
Arrest[]
Rosey Tiger and Dr. Sinister Craven behind bars.
Shortly after retirement, in 2013 he was arrested for a break-in at New York's Trump Tower. He and his assistant, Rosey Tiger aka The Licking Bandit, believed the tower had been built on a Native American gravesite. They claimed they were digging for evidence so the tower would be dismantled by court order and the gravesite restored. However, Donald Trump's attorneys Harry "Grabber" Cunny and Jenny Taylia claimed they were digging up graves to raise the dead. In addition, Trump's aide Ivana Fondale claimed that, in spite of her being a towering official, Craven had neither kissed nor groped her. While Tiger was sent to a prison for girls, Craven was convicted of criminal sex evasion and was sent to Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary. This was due to a computer glitch, because unfortunately it had closed in 1963.
He and other men were stuck in a forgotten prison. With nothing else to do, he continued writing and, needing illustrations for his work, began making his own. He even drew original if macabre super-powered characters. These including Corpse Eater, Raging Skelephant, Slayer Moon, Kawaii Killer, and the Maggot Murderer. He also created super villains.
Corpse Eater inspired the name of the famed rock 'n' roll band Corpse Eater Beatles. Their hit songs include, "I Want to Eat Your Hand," "Here Comes the Somnambulist Zombie," "Yellow Subterranean Tomb," "Revulsion," and "Eleanor Rigor Mortis."
In 2014, due to a computer mix-up, Rosey Tiger was sent to Alcatraz to live with him and seven other men in an all-male prison dormitory. Three months later, Rosey was found to be pregnant. The cause was unknown.
The vampirologist Craven claimed she must have been impregnated by another man. He said, "I would never touch a woman--who wasn't dead. Or at least undead." Possibly to protect Craven, Tiger said he wasn't the father, and that she would give birth because of Curley Pubes. She left Alcatraz on maternity leave. Sixth months later she gave birth to three children, Sinister Moe, Craven Larry, and Curley Pubes Jr. After giving birth, she got a work detail and was transferred with her children to the Bay of Bengal Home for Slackless Children where she worked as a Bengal tiger cub washer.
After years of grueling imprisonment, Craven and the other inmates finally escaped. This was facilitated by the fact the closed prison had no guards and the doors hadn't been locked for 50 years.
OverMan[]
Dr. Sinister Craven undergoing the OverMan treatment. Is it any wonder he died?
After his escape, Dr. Craven and his fellow escapee Binky the Wonderskull, the remains of a PreChurch Prophet of "Bob", fled to Dobbstown, Malaysia. There Craven underwent the OverMan treatment. Unfortunately, the electroshock therapy shorted out his nervous system, and he died. Fortunately, he used his vampiric research to return as a vampire. He currently lives--unlives--in an abandoned mansion in a valley in Southern California with 72 undead UberFemme- and OverMan-wannabe groupies. With no fear of death, he spends his time trying to decipher the Necronomicon. He is thus now completely mad, and should be avoided at all costs.
Bibliography[]
- Der Librum de Vampyric Histroika (publication date unknown)
- La libro de la historio de la vampiro (Corpsicana Press, 1976)
- Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht (Anaphora Literary Press, 2012)
- Corpse Eater Saves Christmas (Nechrophine Comics, 2014)
- Slayer Moon and Kawaii Killer Teamup (Kawaii Korpse Komix, 2016)