SubGenius Wikia Clench

Advanced excremeditation by a trained professional

Excremeditation is the most Slackful form of meditation, and is promoted by the Church of the SubGenius. It is a form of meditation involving defecating into a toilet and enjoying it. Here is a 12-step set of directions for advanced excremeditation (beginners should have already learned the basics of how to defecate into a toilet and enjoy it by now, so only do this AFTER mastering the basics, and please note the risks involved in this activity before attempting it, listed in the warnings after the 12 steps):

1) Eat a can of baked beans. Well, not the can itself, but the baked beans inside of the can. The can is made of metal, and eating it isn't good for you. Just eat the food inside a can of baked beans. If the can was big, you're all set with step 1. If it was a small can, eat another small can of baked beans (not the can itself, but the food inside)! Now you're ready for step 2.

2) Drink some coffee. The exact amount of coffee for step 2 varies depending on the person, but it should be caffeinated coffee, not decaf. If you are used to drinking coffee and can handle a lot of it, drink much more than usual. If you are especially sensitive to coffee and just a little makes you go Over The Edge, one cup of coffee is the perfect amount. For an average SubGenius, 2 or 3 cups of coffee should do the trick.

3) Eat some prunes, raisins, dried apricots, dried cherries, sun-dried tomatoes, dried apples, or some other manner of dried fruit. It doesn't matter if it's freeze-dried like the way astronauts eat or if it is the sticky sort of dried fruit like prunes. All that matters is that it's dried fruit.

4) Go outside and start jogging. The moderate exercise should have a good effect on your digestion. Keep jogging in the area near your home until you start to feel a bit ill and are farting a bit.

5) Rush immediately to your bathroom, slam the door, sit on the toilet, and take a dump. Push out as much fecal matter as possible, while having your eyes closed, your head resting on your hands, and your elbows resting on your knees. Remember to keep your hands clean and away from your rear end.

6) After the fecal matter has stopped flowing, stay in this pose, with your eyes closed, your head resting on your hands, and your elbows resting on your knees. Do not move an inch, or open your eyes, or use toilet paper, or anything. Focus all of your thoughts and energies on your colon and any feces that is still in there and needs to come out. Continue doing this until you feel that your colon has been emptied completely. Your hands should still be clean.

7) Your hands are still clean and your colon is empty, correct? Without getting up from the toilet, masturbate to some pornography (do this REGARDLESS of your gender... girls, this means you should have remembered a vibrator). Also, if you like to smoke cigarettes or frop, do that at this time as well. If you forgot to bring any of those things to the area near the toilet, well remember to leave them there next time.

8) Get yourself cleaned up. You probably need a VERY thorough shower at this point, and that's AFTER using up all the toilet paper.

9) Take some anti-diarrheal and anti-gas medicine (2 mg Loperamide HCl combined with 125 mg Simethicone). Combine this with some type of central nervous system depressant (a benzodiazepine or a sleep drug like Ambien if you are prescribed that type of drug, or some alcohol or a sleep-inducing antihistamine like Diphenhydramine HCl if you aren't on that type of prescription). Only use ONE central nervous system depressant though, and don't take too much, just a little. Then go straight to bed and fall asleep, and you will have very weird dreams.

10) With any luck, The Rupture will happen to you during your sleep, and you will wake up on the Pleasure Saucers surrounded by Alien Sex Goddesses, on the way to Planet X.

11) If you wake up back on Earth, this means The Conspiracy has prevailed yet again. Do not despair. This is what usually happens. You can try excremeditation again another time if you want.

12) Fnord. That is all.

WARNINGS: Excremeditation is for trained professionals only. Do not try this at home. Excremeditation may be hazardous to your health. Side effects may include abortion, ADHD, aging, agnosticism, AIDS, alcoholism, allergies, Alzhemer's, anaphylactic shock, anarchism, anhedonia, anorexia, anthrax, apostasy, asexuality, Asperger's, asthma, Astrocism, atheism, autism, becoming an alt.slack kook, bisexuality, blasphemy, blood clots, "Bob", Bozoid metamorphosis, brain damage, brainwashing, a British accent, broken bones, bronchitis, Buddhism, bulldada, cancer, Capitalism, cardiac arrest, cerebral hemorrhage, Christianity, clenched anus, coma, Communism, Confucianism, confusion, congestive heart failure, conservatism, constipation, coughing, delusions of grandeur, deportation to North Korea, deprogramming, diabetes, diarrhea, Discordianism, drowning, drug addiction, dry mouth, the Ebola virus, election to Congress, The End Times, endocrine disruption, epilepsy, erectile dysfunction, eternal salvation, excommunication, excremeditation, exorcism, falling down, fascism, fever, fibromyalgia, flatulence, fnord, furry fandom, Gender Identity Disorder, giraffe obsession, hallucinations, heterosexuality, Hinduism, homicide, homophobia, homosexuality, immortality, incarceration, incontinence, infectious diseases, influenza, insanity, insomnia, internal bleeding, invisibility, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Islam, Judaism, kidney failure, lactation, legal arrest, liberalism, libertarianism, liver damage, loose stools, lunacy, magical abilities, mental retardation, Mermaid Syndrome, misdiagnosis, mud butt, Multiple Personality Disorder, nationalism, nausea, neurosis, nihilism, nuclear war, the number 23, obesity, omnipotence, omniscience, pacifism, paganism, pain, Parkinson's, Pastafarianism, PatrioPsychotic AnarchoMaterialism, perversion, pinkeye, PMS, poisoning, poverty, promotion to CEO, prostitution, psychic powers, psychopathy, psychosis, PTSD, racism, reincarnation, resurrection, revitiligo, rigor mortis, runny nose, schism, schizophrenia, Scientology, sexhurt, sexism, Shintoism, Slack, sleep apnea, sneezing, sociopathy, species dysphoria, spontaneous human combustion, stroke, stupidity, sudden death, suicide, supernatural powers, surreality, sweating, swollen pineal gland, talking in palindromes, Taoism, tardive dyskinesia, telekinesis, terrorism, time travel, unemployment, viral infection, vitiligo, watery eyes, xenophobia, Yetinsyny, Zoroastrianism, and any other condition not mentioned. The Church of the SubGenius is not responsible for any damages. Void where prohibited by law. All rights reserved. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

Excremeditation caught on camera (a silent film):


Yeti excremeditation and other bulldada: