I'm not even allowed to SAY J***R any more or I'd help you.
St. Janor Hypercleats lives in SouthWest City, Little Rock. A bad place. He is selling HATE CRYSTALS (patent pending) - crystals with which to channel ones hatred toward ones enemies. He is also performing with his new combo, Southland Corporation. He is also avoiding Bobby Free, the one who's girlfriend, Cherry, has taken a liking to Janor and is therefore of a mind to "saw him" if you catch my meaning. He will need to stay at YOUR house through March or April. Have plenty of pILLs. Rev. Sternodox
Why, I talked to Janor just yesterday. He just got back from Minneapolis where he was acting in some sort of pornographic CDRom game with Blowfly and William Burroughs. He had to have "sex," or the Janorian equivalent of sex, with these two old guys, but he said it paid pretty well. He said they didn't give him a script, just said to rant, so it'll probably a pretty good game if you don't look at it. It'll probably sell well to SubGenius gals; Janor was always the male sex symbol of the Church. Women have told me that it turned 'em on to watch him do his spazz dance on stage because he always wore these flimsy paisley pants with no underwear, and I guess you could kind of see his pecker flopping. I'm not surprised, as it's all stretched out from a close call he had with a prairie squid that he forgot to debeak.
"OJ Simpson slaughtered his wife and lover, and all I got was this crummy T-shirt." -- Janor Hypercleats, on my answer machine an hour ago
Why, I yakked with ol' Janor this morning. His money crisis has abated for
a few minutes... he said he got a few tape orders and a couple of
donations and that really helped. Some friend of his in Little Rock with
show-biz connections helped him set up a comedy show, and videotaped it
with en eye towards making a short "demo" video he could send to comedy
agents. Unfortunately, only 15 people showed up, and it was basically a
bomb, as most of Janor's hometown shows are. I suggested that he compile a
"best of" from the massive video archives of devivals that I have. Trouble
is, that's a lot of work. I haven't even had time to THINK about STARTING
to edit the two things I need from that footage (1, a "Stang rant demo" to
help ME get college lecture circuit gigs ((I WILL NEVER DO COMEDY CLUBS
EVEN IF THEY'D HAVE ME, WHICH THEY WON'T, SINCE THIS IS RELIGION, NOT
COMEDY!!!!! OK?!?!?!)) and 2) a 2-hour "Classic SubGenius Devival MOMENTS"
vid, which would be WILD INDEED and even FUNNY, but requires hours and
days of viewing and note-taking before even thinking about renting the VHS
Anyway, yeah he's definitely trying to make it as a comedian, while
working as a security guard. I told him that if he was that serious he
needs to get out of Little Rock, move to L.A. or NY and do the clubs like
everybody else. I've been telling him that for 10 years. But Janor has
only minimum wage job skills. He's the most brilliant spouter in the
world, but he's clumsy with equipment of any kind and just plain doesn't
fit in in office situations. He can't pass for Normal like many of us can.
What's worse, he's not a very good comedian when he tries to do what HE
thinks the NORMALS will think is FUNNY. It's too lame for SubGenii and too
offensive for Normals. His sense of political correctness is pretty
fractured. I have strongly urged him to take the freak show bold
surrealist approach (a la the redneck rants on JANOR DevICE 1 and his
newer BOBBY FREE stuff) instead of the fake Jewish comedian approach. But,
as the old bumper sticker said when Sterno DIDN'T print it up, "WHO CAN
Most of Janor's material is non-SubGenius-specific; i.e., you don't have
to know a damn thing about "Bob" to "get" it.
' The good news is, he isn't too depressed these days, considering, and he's
off the pills that were supposed to make him normal. AND HE'LL BE
PREACHING AT DRAGON CON IN ATLANTA in JULY!! He did SUPERBLY at last
year's Dragon-Con. This year they aren't spending as much so the Love
Corpses weren't invited, but the preaching line-up will be Janor, Rev.
Susie the Floozie, Dr. K'taden Legume, Papa Joe Mama, me, and probably
Rev. Mike Roe Fone.
I will once again take this opportunity to urge EVERYONE to send him $6
for THE JANOR DEVICE 1.... via:
Janor Hypercleats c/o Hathorn, 8701 Evergreen, Little Rock, AR 72207
No shit, it's a must-have SubGenius classic. I sell 'em too, but you
should buy 'em from him.
Sgt. Janor Stang
Church of the SubJanor