JoX the Bobtist

Not to be confused with Dr. X., Mandrake the Magician, Mao Zedong, The Loveshade Family, or Professor Charles Francis Xavier. JoX isn't any of those.

JoX the Bobtist in typical garb.

JoX the Bobtist, aka Mandrake Southcott XL, Little Love Apple, X. Mandrake Loveshade, Doctor X, Professor X, Madrake the Mathemagician, Mrs. X.L. Ovid, Freak NG, Chao Zedong, The Man from S.L.A.K, Loveshade X, and several other names including "The Robert Dean (not Bob Dean) of the SubGenius", is the 10th PreChurch Prophet of "Bob", a charter member of the Church of the SubGenius, and a fighter in the shadows against the X-ists. He/She/It (modern sources render this as "E") is a hermaphromorphic being who may be a disguised renegade X-ist, a Yeti (although this is disputed by Church authorities), a X-ist altered Homo subgenius, a Homo floresiensis with Giantiganticism^TM and two brains, or a human shoe salesman from Chicago.

Personal life

Few facts are known, and even those are disputed. However, as the only one of the PreChurch Prophets of "Bob" living at the time of the birth of J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, the Tenth Prophet JoX the Bobtist is the most documented. The 64-year-old alleged virgin Joanna Southcott, who was the woman prophesized in the Bible's Revelation 12:1–6, gave birth to Mandrake Southcott XL on 19 October 1814 CE in London, England. The father is unknown. As several of her followers thought the infant was the second coming of Christ, Mandrake's birth was kept hidden, especially because Mandrake was apparently born female (but with a very large clitoris). As Mandrake's mother died on Christmas Day (although burial was not until Dec. 27) and many sought the child's death, Mandrake was taken away and raised in America by the Fugawi Indian tribe as a two-spirit female named Little Love Apple in an area that translates as "Springfield." For reasons unknown, e later became known as the male Mandragoro Loveshade.

At some point, the being went into a "deep sleep", likely either cryogenic suspension or suspended animation. JoX the Bobtist has gone into this sleep many times, only to be later reawakened.

Prophet of "Bob"

JoX the Bobtist is number 10 in a series of probably Ten Prophets of "Bob" (now sometimes called "The Ten Profits of Dobbs") who pointed to the coming of J. R. "Bob" Dobbs. However, some suspect there were actually 13 Prophets of "Bob", but that JoX killed numbers 11, 12, and 13 with the vorpal sword that slew the Jabberwocky, thus gaining all their Slack and extending es lifespan. In addition, an underground SubGenius pamphlet claims "JoX the Bobtist (Julian for short) is an eternally prepubescent neck beard basement dwelling dipshit."

As the last major prophet before the birth of "Bob", during waking periods through over 100 years X insured that references to the Coming of the "Bob" were included in several prophetic collections. These include several poems and stories by Edgar Allen Poe, particularly "The Literary Life of Thingum Bob, Esq." to which X contributed. Also important are Dr. Sinister Craven and Toyalla's Esperanto translation, but not the original, of Der Librum de Vampyric Histroika (in Esperanto, La libro de la historio de la vampiro). But perhaps the clearest reference to "Bob" is in the original 1609 CE edition of the Authorized Version of the Bible in Psalm 130:13 which reads, "And the one nammed the robber shall redeeme the chosene peopels, from all theire slacklessnesse."

JoX also compiled the prophecies of the other prophets and emself into a book which was completed on October 29, 1929. The book was called The Holy Boble.

Church of the SubGenius: Meeting the "Bob"

Main article: Church of the SubGenius

After waiting for over 100 years, in July 1941, JoX the Bobtist finally got to meet J. R. "Bob" Dobbs. But JoX wasn't sure who "Bob" was. E had already heard reports of Slackful Deeds and talk of UFOs, but didn't know if this was truly the "Bob" or some random kook rocket scientist wanna-be. JoX had already approached Bob Clampett (Porky Pig, Beanie and Cecil), Bob Bell (then future Bozo the Clown), Bob Hope (comedian), Bob Cummings (actor), Robert Blake (Our Gang, later Baretta), Robert Dean (ufologist; not to be mistaken for Bob Dean) and several other Bobs, Bobbys, Roberts, Robertos, Robs, and Robbies including Robert "Bobbie" Kennedy (then future politician). JoX was getting a reputation for being a kook emself for had said, "He it is, who coming after me is preferred before me, whose shoes I am not worthy to lick." This was especially troublesome after e asked if e could lick the booties of the then baby girl, future singer Roberta Flack.

So instead of going emself, on Tuesday, July 22, 1941, e sent assistant/disciple Susanna of Antioch to meet "Bob" Dobbs who was on a business trip in Houston, Texas. The assistant proposed ideas for replacing the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics (NACA) with a civilian agency focused on both air and space travel that would "explore strange new worlds and new civilizations" (this later became NASA). The assistant had apparently mistaken "Robert Dobbs" for Robert Goddard who had created the first liquid-fueled rocket and who was, at the time, dead.

"Bob", who had already had contact with space aliens and who was then working on ideas for the Church, declined to participate. He told the assistant, "I'd like to start a religion. That's where the money is!" The quote was later attributed to "Bob"'s friend L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology.

The disciple reported to JoX, who felt e had finally found the right man. E spent the rest of the day and night and into the next morning furiously studying prophecies including those of the Necronomicon he had previously avoided.

To culminate es prophetic mission of 100+ years, on Wednesday, July 23, 1941, JoX met the SlackMaster on a Houston, Texas, golf course and offered to Bobtize "Bob" on the spot. This was at a water hazard on the 13th hole. But the future Church creator was in the middle of a game with a particularly difficult shot, and declined. But he did let JoX lick his golf shoes. But when the shoe licking distracted "Bob" and his ball shot into the water, the angry golfer kicked JoX who fell back into the water with two broken teeth. This was "Bob"'s first performed Bobtism, and JoX went mad for several years....

"Bob" and X met again later in 1953, shortly before "Bob" led the first "Opportunity Meeting" of the Church of the SubGenius on Thursday, May 7, 1953. (A second meeting was held in June, and a third on Sunday, July 5, 1953. The church actually formally began three weeks later during the lunar eclipse of Sunday, July 26, 1953). Dr. Mandrake X. Loveshade is listed as one of 23 charter members. In addition to X and "Bob" himself, these include Connie Marsh, the then future first wife of "Bob"; C. M. Manson, future commune leader; J. D. "Jed" Clampett, "Bob"'s Slackful hunting buddy who at the time was dirt poor but would later become a billionaire; Toyalla, a Homo floresiensis woman with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men; "Kitten" Anderson, a fellow salesman's preteen tomboy daughter who washed "Bob"'s car; E.W.C. Haskell Jr., a budding preteen conman known for his slackfulness and saccharin tongue; and several prominent politicians and tycoons. According to Dr. Philo Drummond, the latter included "Howard Hughes, Aristotle Onassis, Bruce Roberts (author of The Gemstone Files), and the young Henry Kissinger." Other sources say members included the tycoons' then wives such as Hughes' wife actress Terry Moore.

The price of charter membership and eternal salvation was determined largely by the person's wealth. According to Connie, "Bob" said "Make them pay as much as they think they can afford." X reportedly paid 5,370 quatloos (in 2015 money, this would be 37,995.73 quatloos, enough to buy eight highly qualified Thrall sex slaves).

The Man with Two Brains

While there are several stories of the being's nature, the most likely is that e is a hermaphromorphic Homo floresiensis with gigantism and two brains. This allows em to pass as a normal human (provided e doesn't undergo a brain scan).

The brains apparently have different IQs, with one brain at 100 and the other at 42, giving a total IQ of 142. JoX the Bobtist originally had 100 in both brains, but believed the resulting 200 genius IQ would have disqualified em from being a Prophet of Bob. Therefore the being voluntarily had es other brain injected with venom directly from an aroused prairie squid. Later, X learned the de-IQing had been completely unnecessary.

There is debate among pseudoneuroscientists as to how the two brains function. Some believe that the brains, which appear to be two hemispheres of one normal brain, alternately enter an awake or dream state. Others believe that the brains are simulneurocious, both awake and asleep at the same time. Still others think one brain is blue and the other is orange.

X does have the ability to enter and influence people's dreams, particularly those of Yetinsyny, Bobbies and Pinks. Yeti brains e finds more difficult. Most of these dreams are erotic in nature, but occasionally one is prophetic. Sometimes the process does not work properly, and either the dreamer has a nightmare or X gets a bad headache. Anyone who wakens from an erotic prophetic nightmare almost certainly had their dreamworld infiltrated by JoX the Bobtist. Especially if it gave X a headache.

It is estimated by somatierotic SubGenius scientists that 29% of the first wet dream of either a male or female Yetinsyny involves somatic invasion by JoX the Bobtist. Especially if it features an aroused prairie squid.

Hunter

JoX the Bobtist went on many hunting trips, including some with fellow Church founding members "Bob" and Jed. E rarely killed a hunted creature, instead recording their image, sounds, smells, and "genome". However, the "hunting trips" were largely a cover for hunting X-ists and other aliens from outer space who threatened Earth. (This was before "Bob" made his famous deal with the X-ists).

When e did capture a creature, it was generally to either protect its existence or to protect other beings from its existence. E kept a tentacled creature in the Miskatonic University biology lab while a professor there. The being was named Shokushufakkā but known to university students, including "Bob", Connie and Philo, as Bosno. According to conflicting reports, Bosno may have been an inspiration to H. P. Lovecraft for the creation of the fictional Elder God Cthulu; the offspring of the real Elder God and a mermaid; some form of an octopus or prairie squid; or an other-dimensional creature planted by the X-ists as part of an information-gathering plot in their plan to destroy Earth. Or it may have been a multi-armed rubber garden gnome. In any case, according to Connie the tentacled Bosno had a habit of grabbing girls' chests and lifting their skirts, especially girls new to the school.

The Apocryphal Book of the Invisible Pink Unicorn: Version 2, says that JoX the Bobtist captured the invisible pink creature in the 1950s but, when learning it could not handle captivity, quickly let it go. It briefly lived on the property of "Bob" and Connie Dobbs, and was a favorite of their virginity-regenerating daughter Barbara "Garbs" Dobbs.

JoX the Bobtist may have triggered one of the most significant children's books of all history during an 1860s Dodo bird hunt. Alice Liddell, who was lying down for a nap, told em "You're going to catch a Dodo bird? (Laughs) In you dreams!" Angered, X then allegedly threw the sleepy Alice down a large rabbit hole. The near death of the girl led to the invention of the safety passenger elevator (lift) first used publicly in 1870. As the elevators were very slow and thus often used for sexual activity, bashful riders were supplied with reading material which included the sex education manual Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. (The graphic sexual descriptions were masked to avoid offending delicate Victorian sensibilities)

X's hunting and sexual adventures were likely an inspiration for the character of Geralt of Rivia in The Witcher story series and video games.

Physical characteristics

In addition to debate over es species, there is great debate over es form and appearance. Apparently JoX the Bobtist is humanoid but capable not only of changing gender but of changing size and weight. While seemingly in violation of Conservation of Mass, this is actually a natural ability. The being can very quickly and tremendously change es metabolism. Thus gaining and losing weight can be done extremely quickly and efficiently, and can even be accomplished by tremendous inhalation or exhalation. E is an accomplished Breatharian and, when aroused, often a heavy breather.

The Loveshade Family lawsuit

While X Mandrake Loveshade had used the Loveshade name for almost 200 years before The Loveshade Family^TM began, trademark registration for names did not exist at the time. As The Loveshade Family^TM trademarked the Loveshade name for writing and visual images (including art work and photography), in 2014 they filed a suit against JoX the Bobtist. Details of the settlement are private as it was settled out of court in 2015, but estimates put the settlement amount at 1,000 pounds of Yeti dung. This gave em the right to use the name JoX the Bobtist provided e did not claim to be a member of the family, and did not attend family reunions without wearing a sign proclaiming "Unregistered Sex Offender" in at least one human language.

Sexuality

Many sources speak of JoX the Bobtist's extreme sexual proficiency, broad sexual proclivities, and boldness in "trying anything and anybody at least once". This includes sexual activity performed by entering sleepers' dreams. These activities allegedly inspired a phrase in H. P. Lovecraft's 1927 novella "The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath": "to go with bold entreaty whither no man had gone before".

X Mandragora Amore-Umbra states, in translation, that JoX the Bobtist "has performed every sexual activity known to humanity and more." X reportedly denied this, saying, "That is categorically not true. I have never initiated a combination of simultaneous oral and anal sex on Mr. and Mrs. (name withheld by request), their two daughters and son, of Springfield during a thunderstorm on a Thursday afternoon on a slate blue boat. A red one, a canary yellow one, and a aquamarine one, sure, but not a slate blue one. Not on a Thursday. Not yet."

Many sexologists, however, interpret "every sexual activity known to humanity" in less specific terms. "The day of the week, or color and location of the boat, doesn't affect the act's classification," said Professor of Sexology Britney Cyrus. Simultaneous oral and anal sex on a father, mother their daughter(s) and son(s) is listed as number 3857 in Every Sexual Activity Known to Humanity, with "on a boat" listed as 3857 B. Interestingly, sex with "Bob" is listed as both numbers 808 and 13013.

JoX the Bobtist (under the name of "Philo X. Stang") claims to be listed as number three on Connie Dobbs' list of "Top 100 Lovers". However, other authorities think this name represents Connie simultaneously with Dr. Philo Drummond, Dr. X, and Rev. Ivan Stang. These authorities say that JoX the Bobtist may be listed more than once, but lower than number three.

Devivals and X-Day Drills

JoX the Bobtist frequently appears in various forms at Devivals and X-Day in December Drills, especially those held in Springfield and in Austin, Texas. After being hassled by the police during a small drill in Janus County, Texas, X now rarely speaks at SubGenius events except when wearing a black or very dark grey ski mask with one or more pink smiley faces.

Links

User page of JoX the Bobtist

Sources

• Revelation X: The "Bob" Apocryphon (1994)
• Schrödinger's Cat Trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson (1979)
• "Southcott, Joanna", Encyclopedia of Occultism and Parapsychology (2001)
• The Apocryphal Book of the Invisible Pink Unicorn: Version 2 (1965)
• X Mandragora Amore-Umbra (original publication date and authors unknown)
• "The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath" by H. P. Lovecraft (written 1927; published 1943)
• "The Gospel According to Philo" by Dr. Philo Drummond (1994)
• The Charter of the Church of the SubGenius (1953; from copy made in 1957)
• Les Propheties (The Prophecies) by Nostradamus (English translation of 1550 edition)
• The 808 Stand-Up Comedy Routines of Nostradamus allegedly by Nostradamus (publication date unknown)
• Warehouse 23 by Patriarch Wilhelm Leonardo Pesher-Principle (writing as S. John Ross) (1997)
• Every Sexual Act Known to Humanity" by the Human Sex League (2004 edition)
• "Top 100 Lovers" by Connie Dobbs (2007 edition)
• "Interview with JoX the Bobtist" by Pope Hilde & Miley Spears (2014, 2018)
• "Interviews with Connie Dobbs" by Pope Hilde & Miley Spears (2018)
• "Interviews with Barbara Dobbs" by Pope Hilde & Miley Spears (2018)