JoX the Bobtist

Not to be confused with Dr. X., Lightnin' Slim, Mandrake the Magician, Mao Zedong, The Loveshade Family, or Professor Charles Francis Xavier. JoX isn't any of those.

JoX the Bobtist is also know as Charlie Muck, Mandrake Southcott XL, Little Love Apple, X. Mandrake Lightspeed, Loveshade X, Doctor X, Professor X, Madrake the Mathemagician, Mrs. X.L. Ovid, Freak NG, Chao Zedong, Lightspeed Stoner, The Man from S.L.A.K, and several other names including "The Robert Dean (not Bob Dean) of the SubGenius". He is the 10th PreChurch Prophet of "Bob", a charter member of the Church of the SubGenius, and a fighter in the shadows against the X-ists. He/She/It (modern sources render this as "E") is a hermaphromorphic being. JoX may be a disguised renegade X-ist, a Yeti (although this is disputed by Church authorities), a X-ist altered Homo subgenius, a Homo floresiensis with Giantiganticism^TM and two brains, or a human shoe salesman from Chicago.

Personal life[]

Few facts are known, and even those are disputed. However, as the only one of the PreChurch Prophets of "Bob" living at the time of the birth of J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, the Tenth Prophet JoX the Bobtist is the most documented. The 64-year-old alleged virgin Joanna Southcott, who was the woman prophesied in the Bible's Revelation 12:1–6, gave birth to Mandrake Southcott XL on 19 October 1814 CE in London, England. The father is unknown.

As several of her followers thought the infant was the second coming of Christ, Mandrake's birth was kept hidden, especially because Mandrake was apparently born female (but with a very large clitoris). Mandrake's mother died on Christmas Day (although burial was not until Dec. 27) and many sought the child's death. Mandrake was taken away and raised in America by the Fugawi Indian tribe as a two-spirit female named Little Love Apple in the area of Lveiyhust (in English, that translates as "Springfield"). For reasons unknown, e later became known as the male Mandragoro Loveshade.

At some point, the being went into a "deep sleep", likely either cryogenic suspension or suspended animation. JoX the Bobtist has gone into this sleep many times, only to be later reawakened.

Prophet of "Bob"[]

JoX the Bobtist is number 10 in a series of probably Ten Prophets of "Bob" (now sometimes called "The Ten Profits of Dobbs") who pointed to the coming of J. R. "Bob" Dobbs. However, some suspect there were actually 13 Prophets of "Bob", but that JoX killed numbers 11, 12, and 13 with the vorpal sword that slew the Jabberwocky, thus gaining all their Slack and extending es lifespan. In addition, an underground SubGenius pamphlet claims "JoX the Bobtist (Julian for short) is an eternally prepubescent neck beard basement dwelling dipshit."

As the last major prophet before the birth of "Bob", during waking periods through over 100 years X insured that references to the Coming of the "Bob" were included in several prophetic collections. These include several poems and stories by Edgar Allen Poe, particularly "The Literary Life of Thingum Bob, Esq." to which X contributed. Also important are Dr. Sinister Craven and Toyalla's Esperanto translation, but not the original, of Der Librum de Vampyric Histroika (in Esperanto, La libro de la historio de la vampiro). But perhaps the clearest reference to "Bob" is in the original 1609 CE edition of the Authorized Version of the Bible in Psalm 130:13 which reads, "And the one nammed the robber shall redeeme the chosene peopels, from all theire slacklessnesse."

JoX also compiled the prophecies of the other prophets and emself into a book which was completed on October 29, 1929. The book was called The Holy Boble.

The Man with Two Brains[]

While there are several stories of the being's nature, the most likely is that e is a hermaphromorphic Homo floresiensis with gigantism and two brains. This allows em to pass as a normal human (provided e doesn't undergo a brain scan).

The brains apparently have different IQs, with one brain at 100 and the other at 42, giving a total IQ of 142. JoX the Bobtist originally had 100 in both brains, but believed the resulting 200 genius IQ would have disqualified em from being a Prophet of Bob. Therefore the being voluntarily had es other brain injected with venom directly from an aroused prairie squid. Later, X learned the de-IQing had been completely unnecessary.

There is debate among pseudoneuroscientists as to how the two brains function. Some believe that the brains, which appear to be two hemispheres of one normal brain, alternately enter an awake or dream state. Others believe that the brains are simulneurocious, both awake and asleep at the same time. Still others think one brain is blue and the other is orange.

X does have the ability to enter and influence people's dreams, particularly those of Yetinsyny, Bobbies and Pinks. Yeti brains e finds more difficult. Most of these dreams are erotic in nature, but occasionally one is prophetic. Sometimes the process does not work properly, and either the dreamer has a nightmare or X gets a bad headache. Anyone who wakens from an erotic prophetic nightmare almost certainly had their dreamworld infiltrated by JoX the Bobtist. Especially if it gave X a headache.

It is estimated by somatierotic SubGenius scientists that 29% of the first wet dream of either a male or female Yetinsyny involves somatic invasion by JoX the Bobtist. Especially if it features an aroused prairie squid.

Hunter[]

JoX the Bobtist went on many hunting trips, including some with fellow Church founding members "Bob" and Jed. E rarely killed a hunted creature, instead recording their image, sounds, smells, and "genome". However, the "hunting trips" were largely a cover for hunting X-ists and other aliens from outer space who threatened Earth. (This was before "Bob" made his famous deal with the X-ists).

When e did capture a creature, it was generally to either protect its existence or to protect other beings from its existence. E kept a tentacled creature in the Miskatonic University biology lab while a professor there. The being was named Shokushufakkā but known to university students, including "Bob", Connie and Philo, as Bosno. According to conflicting reports, Bosno may have been an inspiration to H. P. Lovecraft for the creation of the fictional Elder God Cthulu; the offspring of the real Elder God and a mermaid; some form of an octopus or prairie squid; or an other-dimensional creature planted by the X-ists as part of an information-gathering plot in their plan to destroy Earth. Or it may have been a multi-armed rubber garden gnome. In any case, according to Connie the tentacled Bosno had a habit of grabbing girls' chests and lifting their skirts, especially girls new to the school.

The Apocryphal Book of the Invisible Pink Unicorn: Version 2, says that JoX the Bobtist captured the invisible pink creature in the 1950s but, when learning it could not handle captivity, quickly let it go. It briefly lived on the property of "Bob" and Connie Dobbs, and was a favorite of their virginity-regenerating daughter Barbara "Garbs" Dobbs.

JoX the Bobtist may have triggered one of the most significant children's books of all history during an 1860s Dodo bird hunt. Alice Liddell, who was lying down for a nap, told em "You're going to catch a Dodo bird? (Laughs) In you dreams!" Angered, X then allegedly threw the sleepy Alice down a large rabbit hole. The near death of the girl led to the invention of the safety passenger elevator (lift) first used publicly in 1870.

X's hunting and sexual adventures were likely an inspiration for the character of Geralt of Rivia in The Witcher story series and video games.

Physical characteristics[]

In addition to debate over es species, there is great debate over es form and appearance. Apparently JoX the Bobtist is humanoid but capable not only of changing gender but of changing size and weight. While seemingly in violation of Conservation of Mass, this is actually a natural ability. The being can very quickly and tremendously change es metabolism. Thus gaining and losing weight can be done extremely quickly and efficiently, and can even be accomplished by tremendous inhalation or exhalation. E is an accomplished Breatharian and, when aroused, often a heavy breather.

The Loveshade Family lawsuit[]

While X Mandrake Loveshade had used the Loveshade name for almost 200 years before The Loveshade Family^TM began, trademark registration for names did not exist at the time. As The Loveshade Family^TM trademarked the Loveshade name for writing and visual images (including art work and photography), in 2014 they filed a suit against JoX the Bobtist. Details of the settlement are private as it was settled out of court in 2015, but estimates put the settlement amount at 1,000 pounds of Yeti dung. This gave em the right to use the name JoX the Bobtist provided e did not claim to be a member of the family, and did not attend family reunions without wearing a sign proclaiming "Unregistered Sex Offender" in at least one human language.

Devivals and X-Day Drills[]

JoX the Bobtist frequently appears in various forms at Devivals and X-Day in December Drills, especially those held in Springfield and in Austin, Texas. After being hassled by the police during a small drill in Janus County, Texas, X now rarely speaks at SubGenius events except when wearing a black or very dark grey ski mask with one or more pink smiley faces.

Links[]

User page of JoX the Bobtist

Sources[]

Revelation X: The "Bob" Apocryphon (1994)
Schrödinger's Cat Trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson (1979)
"Southcott, Joanna", Encyclopedia of Occultism and Parapsychology (2001)
The Apocryphal Book of the Invisible Pink Unicorn: Version 2 (1965)
X Mandragora Amore-Umbra (original publication date and authors unknown)
"The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath" by H. P. Lovecraft (written 1927; published 1943)
"The Gospel According to Philo" by Dr. Philo Drummond (1994)
The Charter of the Church of the SubGenius (1953; from copy made in 1957)
Les Propheties (The Prophecies) by Nostradamus (English translation of 1550 edition)
The 808 Stand-Up Comedy Routines of Nostradamus allegedly by Nostradamus (publication date unknown)
Warehouse 23 by Patriarch Wilhelm Leonardo Pesher-Principle (writing as S. John Ross) (1997)
Every Sexual Act Known to Humanity" by the Human Sex League (2004 edition)
"Top 100 Lovers" by Connie Dobbs (2023 edition)
"Interview with JoX the Bobtist" by Pope Hildegard & Miley Spears (2014, 2023)
"Interviews with Connie Dobbs" by Pope Hildegard & Miley Spears (2023)
"Interviews with Barbara Dobbs" by Pope Hildegard & Miley Spears (2023)