Neighborhood Watch

Neighborhood Watch

Neighborhood Watch. If we don't think you're normal, everything you do is suspicious. And possibly reported.

Neighborhood Watch - (aka Lawn Nazi, Homeowner' Assoc., Offices of Lenders and Realtors) are not a true Conspiracy but are not new either. They are notorious for being nosy assholes with nothing better to do other than complain their fuckin' heads off about smells, non-permanent structures, and "eyesores" that are actually notorious pylons of SLACK. They will threaten you into submission. They are the people who ask you a million questions when you move in anywhere like its their "Bob" damn business.

They look like you and me but they are actually unspeakable horrible shambling mindless zombies. Roving from their fortified homes, to their air conditioned malls and then right back again for more staring out their windows through the venetian blinds.

Because they also ONLY know how to report and how to call 911. Be cautious, avoid mistakes, and follow these easy methods.

Neighborhood Watch Interrogation

Your interactions with these Conspiracy Dupes may go something like this fellow Subgenii:

"Who are you?"

"I can't tell you my real name because I'm a member of the Church of the SubGenius Foundation."

"The Church of...(writes notes on tablet). Where do you live?"

"The weed-eaten place with the burned out car in the front."

(Writes notes on tablet) "Where do you work?"

"None of your business."

"How much money do you make? Do you have good credit?"

"Who are you and are you asking so many "Bob" damn questions?"

(To self) "This sounds real suspicious. I'm reporting this one."

Do not fall into their trap! But you can keep them away easily. Here are some good steps to follow.

Interrogation tips

This space is reserved for tips for tips to help you avoid the Neighborhood Watch all together

1. Be normal. Yes, it scares SubGenii to think about even pretending to be normal, but hiding in plain sight is our gift.
2. Be nice to their face, and be how you want to be behind the curtains (put thick curtains or shutters on all windows).
3. Find something wrong with their house. (It will kill them to know, your dump holds higher esteem in your mind)
4. Babysit, dogsit, housesit for them (get a key to their place, eat their food, go through their stuff)
5. Act like you are concerned about the homeless (Transients are no problem for "Bob" but for normals the homeless give them CONSTANT PHYSICAL WORRY)
6. Don't act dodgy, just be directly obtuse and ask more questions than you answer (give them a healthy dose of your Bulldada)
7. Fund your habits behind closed doors and no one will be the wiser (just don't leave your dirty undies on the front lawn for everyone to see)
8. Buy a bag of oranges from the neighborhood corner; they will help you fight the Conspiracy of Homeowners
9. If they come to your door at an ungodly hour, tell them you're practicing satanists and that you were looking for a willing sacrifice
10. Shattering their world view is all too easy, so don't do it. Like waking a sleepwalker, they will come at you screaming and swinging their arms.
11. Kill them with kindness

SubGenius Method to Our Madness

Here's a mindfucking example of a proper way to respond to such a conspiracy dupe based on the above (use this or make up your own):

"Who are you?"

"I'm your new neighbor and I'm so glad to meet you (shakes hands). By the way, I volunteer for a good local church. What church do you go to?"

"Well, right now I'm not really going anywhere. Um, where do you live?"

"Thank you for asking! We're cleaning up that old place with the weeds and the burned out car. It's such an eyesore, but I think a poor homeless family lives in the car and we'd hate to throw them out. Perhaps you have a spare room?"

"Me? Um, no. I think there's a shelter somewhere.

"Wonderful. Be sure to get us their brochure. We're looking to hire some repair people and an interior decorator. (Looks at neighbor's house) Like us to send them to your place when they're through with ours?"

"Um, you think it needs work? Really we....Where do you work?"

"Well, don't spread this around, but I'm doing undercover work for...well, sorry, but can't tell you; security issues, need to know basis only; you understand. But we're looking into some odd things going on in this neighborhood and....(take out tablet to start taking notes) by the way, who were those people who came over to your house recently? Are they your friends or relatives? Have you known them long? Do you know any members of subversive organizations?"

"Who? What? Um, I don't think so, I mean...gee, I have to go I have a dentist's appointment."

"Before you go would you like to take home some of these homegrown American oranges?" (Yells at fleeing neighbor) If you need someone to housesit or babysit your children, let us know!