Officious symbol of Our Lady of the Golden Hemorrhoid. (Image courtesy of Elwood P. Dobbs.)
Our Lady of the Golden Hemorrhoid is a SubGenius Clench headquartered in Elwood, Malaysia (also known as Shathead).
It is led by Pastor Prelate Dr. Elwood P. Dobbs. As of yesterday, it had one known member, Pastor Prelate Dr. Elwood P. Dobbs. As of tomorrow, it has two known members, Elwood and Pip.
Beginning[]
Officious image of Dr. Elwood P. Dobbs. (Image courtesy of Our Lady of the Golden Hemorrhoid.)
Dr. Elwood P. Dobbs was informed he would become Pastor Prelate of Our Lady of the Golden Hemorrhoid effective as of 02 02 2020 at 02:02:02 UTC. This would be in the Holy City of Shathead. He was dropped off by helicopter on 21 December 2019, the night of the Winter Solstice. He was told he would be welcomed by a guide very shorty, and be taken straightaway to Shathead. He climbed down the rope to the ground, and waited for his guide as the helicopter left. He was still waiting a week later. And a week after that. And a week after that.
He waited in that spot for 40 days and 40 nights. He then remembered how Jesus of Nazareth had spent 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness, as had Moses on the mountaintop, as had Noah in the ark, and as had J.R. "Bob" Dobbs in an all-you-can-eat Chinese restaurant.
So he knew that his time too had come.
So, after 40 days and nights, on 30 January 2020, fearing he would miss his ordainment, he decided to look for Shathead on the map they had given him. He unfolded it for the first time, and read it. The map had no grid, no north, south, east, or west. Instead, it merely said, "You're a shathead."
Confused, he created a sign out of the map and a broken shittim tree branch, and posted it in the ground. It read:
"I have been honored with being named Pastor Prelate of Our Lady of the Golden Hemorrhoid of Shathead, Malaysia. The strange thing is, I had always thought the people who sent me here didn't like me.
"The problem I have is that, now that I've been dropped off, here in the middle of nowhere, I can't find Shathead on the Malaysia map they gave me. Anybody know where it is? If so, please find me and tell me."
He then walked across the street to the Pawpaw Piano Bar. This was part of a tavern called Ikan Besar (The Great Fish). There he found they served a drink called Buasir Emas.
Groundbreaking[]
Officious photo of ground-breaking ceremony of Our Lady of the Golden Hemorrhoid. (Photo courtesy of a Shovel.)
He spent three days and three nights in The Great Fish. At the end of that time, he discovered the drink he had been drinking for three days and three nights, Buasir Emas, translated into English as "The Golden Hemorrhoid." As the bar closed at 2 a.m. (02.00 UTC), he suddenly realized he only had 2 minutes and 2 seconds to his ordainment.
Still holding his drink, he ran out the door and across the street to the spot where he had been dropped off. He waited for something to happen. Then, on 02 02 2020 at precisely 02:02:02 UTC, he saw a shadow from overhead. It was cast by a dodo bird that immediately shat on his head. He spilled his drink, the golden hemorrhoid, on the ground. He then understood. He knew he was now ordained, and that this was the spot for his church.
He took the teaspoon out of his glass, and with it started digging. This was the church groundbreaking, and the beginning of a new city. (The irony of the shadow and the groundbreaking being on Groundhog Day, when a groundhog looks for its shadow, did not occur to him). As he now understood that he was the bearer of the golden hemorrhoid, and that he was the shathead, Dr. Elwood P. Dobbs named the new city after himself: the City of P. (He later changed this to "Elwood.")
On 12 02 2021, the church fulfilled its destiny to receive its second member, Pip.
The church is located at 2020 Fuch Chou Lane, Elwood, Malaysia. Services are held every other Setting Orange at 02.02.02 UTC (10.02.02 local Malaysian time).
More coming as the story continues.