Prairie squid are the offspring and descendants of the Elder God Cthulhu. The original prairie squid detached from Cthulhu asexually, and since then, prairie squid have reproduced in a wide variety of ways. Prairie squid are not known to Conspiracy scientists, but are often kept as companions by SubGenii or for inter-species sex acts by SubGenii, as well as trained to do a wide variety of tricks to amuse spectators at Devivals and X-Day. But mainly they are used for sex by hedonistic SubGenii like Susie the Floozie.
Species and types
There are a few different varieties of prairie squid, some of which are now extinct.
The Yellow River prairie squid, which some classify as two different species, is known to residents of the Hubei countryside. In spite of the name, due to overhunting it now almost non-existent near the Yellow River. It is currently most commonly found on land near Dongting Lake which is a flood basin of the Yangtze River. The beak and toxin of this variety, which is aggressive, can be quite dangerous to humans.
The Miskatonic River prairie squid is generally non-aggressive to humans unless threatened. It is often said to be one of the most beautiful varieties. IrReverend Friday Jones made this report on seeing one for the first time:
- I gasped soundlessly; I hadn't expected it to be beautiful. Glowing like a perfectly iridescent pearl, the squid was a gleaming white with glittering dots of blue pigment around its tapering barrel. I estimated it was about twenty inches from its pink-flushed glans to the tips of its tentacles. Crisp little red hairs peeked out from under its arms, and formed a most flirtatious set of eyelashes around its luscious blue eyes.
The first scientifically classified species was once the most commonly found in the Great Plains of America and Canada. It lived through the 19th century in either a commensal or mutualistic relationship with the American bison. Specimens gathered by Chao Tse-tung and Toyalla were classified by two malacologists, Toshio Hokusai of the University of Hentamoto and Dana Kingston of Miskatonic University, as Shokushulu hentais. This is commonly called the Great Plains American Prairie Squid, or Great P.A.P.S.
As the Great P.A.P.S. lived in harmony with mammals including the American bison, it is not aggressive toward humans but can defend itself when attacked. Because of the great bison slaughter of the 19th century, the once common animal is now rarely found in the wild.
Prairie squid can be kept in captivity, although this is extremely difficult with the Yellow River prairie squid. They cannot be kept alive for any significant period of time in a jar or fish bowl as popular myth and The Sims video game series would indicate.
While they live primarily on land, they need a significant amount of humidity. They do sometimes swim, and should have water available that fits the appropriate temperature and salinity for their species. They are for the most part carnivores, although some species such as the Great P.A.P.S. can survive and even thrive on mammalian bodily fluids alone. The Miskatonic River prairie squid (usually called the Miskatonic River squid) has a known affinity for sweet baked goods made with milk and butter; however, too much of such goods is not good for them.
Habitat and behaviors
Prairie squid's largest natural habitat is the Great Plains of the United States and Canada, where they feed on insects, spiders, birds, small furry mammals such as mice, and aborted fetuses outside abortion clinics, as well as each other, as they are cannibalistic. Prairie squid are also capable of sending out mind control rays on insensate humans, turning them into members of the Cult of Cthulhu, which nowadays refers to itself as the Pastafarians. Eventually, once enough of the humans are controlled by prairie squid, Cthulhu will rise again from the sunken city of R'lyeh.
The squid are highly sexually receptive, and are accepting of other species. According to a survey conducted by SubGenius Wikia Clench, about 18% of SubGenii (Homo subgenius) had their first significant non-solo sexual experience with a prairie squid. According to research, approximately 39% of American plains-dwelling Subgenii boys and girls have their first non-solo sexual encounter with a prairie squid. While they will generally accept the sexual advances of Homo sapiens, this greatly increases the human partner's susceptibility to the squid's mind control rays.
It is commonly believed that removing the squid's beak will prevent it from injecting its venom. It is also said their poisonous venom can only be cured by face fucking bat sperm antidote pudding. Both of these claims are debated.
While the beak can be used to inject a venom, according to some sources its removal uncovers an area that produces a potentially fatal poison that can be absorbed through muscous membranes, the eyes, or even the skin. The common prairie squid is not naturally aggressive to humanoids, and as long as it is not mistreated will not use its beak as a weapon.
if a person is attacked, face fucking bat sperm antidote pudding can reduce symptoms, but is not a certain cure against the contact poison. It will, however, cure venom injected by the beak.
If the beak is removed, it can regenerate.
Prairie squid have long been kept at the American Miskatonic University, which first fully classified the prairie squid in conjunction with the Japanese University of Hentamoto.
One of the most famous was known to "Bob" Dobbs, Connie Marsh, and Philo Drummond while they were students at Miskatonic. The squid Shokushufakkā, commonly known as Bosno, was kept in a suspension tank in the biology lab by Dr. Raymond Cobb. While usually kept dormant in the tank, when revived it was used by upper classmates to scare the freshmen girls who hadn't yet learned to avoid its fondling teasing tentacles.
Extreme caution: do not eat
According to a pamphlet by Vegetarians for Free Prairie Squid:
- Prairie squid are sometimes eaten by foolish human normals which is extremely dangerous. Cutting off their beaks does not help; it uncovers an area that produces a poison that can be fatal if ingested. The squid can insert their neurological genetic material into the human's throat while being swallowed, which upon reaching the brain can inflict the human mind with horrific recurring nightmares involving Cthulhu wielding a flaming chainsaw. And the desire to worship plates of spaghetti.
- SubGenii should never ingest the squid, for this leaves a psychic residue that can be read by Cthulhu from one billion miles away. On X-Day, instead of being picked up by Pleasure Saucers for intimate encounters with Sex Goddesses, the SubGenius will have an intimate encounter with Cthulhu wielding a flaming chainsaw. And then be eaten. On a plate of spaghetti.
Prairie squid corpses, even when cooked, retain their sexual reflexes and have been known to inseminate people's mouths. (Preparing the Ghost by Matthew Gavin Frank (2014))
Rev. Ivan Stang also strongly discouraged eating prairie squid and considers it a terrible waste. Killing them can be due to misguided prudery. Stang said "There's people out there who would kill a Playboy magazine if they saw it crawling around through the bushes like a prairie squid."
- The DC Comics hero Aquaman has a pet prairie squid named Topo who assists him "in a variety of ways," often taking advantage of his multiple limbs. Shockingly to many (but not SubGenii), the original Topo was also a babysitter.
- The bikini worn by Princess Leia in the Star Wars film Return of the Jedi is modeled after prairie squid. She wore it while a slave of the giant space slug Jabba the Hutt. The costume designers Aggie Guerard Rodgers and Nilo Rodis-Jamero may have been inspired by the film's originally proposed director David Lynch. Lynch reportedly said, "if you want the audience to believe a human princess would appeal to a giant slug, dress her in prairie squid." Live squid, however, proved to be "too stimulating," so rubber ones were substituted.
- Ursula, the villain in the Disney film The Little Mermaid who tells Ariel how she can transform her tail into two human-male-accommodating legs, was reportedly inspired by prairie squid.
- SpongeBob SquarePants (inspired by "Bob") has prairie squid-based companions Squidward Tentacles and Squilliam Fancyson.
- "The Third Fist" by Rev. Ivan Stang (1988) (NSFW)
- "My First Praire Squid" by IrReverend Friday Jones (1998) (NSFW)
- Whence Came the Prairie Squid? (NSFW)
- "Prairie Squid Special Remix" (1986, 2006) (NSFW)
- A Fnordian Bestiary by Chao Tse-tung as translated by Sir Jacques of the Unhealing Wound
- "Shokushulu hentais: The Great Plains American Prairie Squid" to be published by Miskatonic University Press